dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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