me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
