i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
