If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it glows. i had to have it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
