so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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