I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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