I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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