I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
