dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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