when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize