I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
