The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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