And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
