oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
