the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
