dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet