we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to stop coming to work sober
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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