I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
