I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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