I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
