Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
