I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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