my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
