ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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