I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
