do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
