I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
