I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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