just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
