It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
