but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
