I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.