we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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