it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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