We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
