Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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