White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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