You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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