I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
