Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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