I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
