you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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