We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
