onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
