A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
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He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
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I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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