Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
