On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
