I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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