he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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