i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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