There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
