This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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