You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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