can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
