How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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