I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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