I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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