I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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