it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours