hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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